The past few months have been a real struggle for me. I started having problems with vertigo in July and it seems to have just taken over my entire life. Most of the time I don't feel good and when the vertigo finally passes, I'm exhausted. I haven't canned, I haven't made pies, I haven't sewed, I haven't cleaned out cupboards, I haven't made Christmas cookies, I haven't done it seems like much of anything. I show up to events not really wanting to talk to people and just waiting for the moment that I can go home and lay down.
Last night my husband asked me how I can play solitaire on my phone for hours on end. I told him that I was pretty sure that I'm depressed. Why? Because I don't feel good and I don't do anything that helps me or anyone else. I basically feel like a big lump of blah.
I decided to take a shower and in the tub fell to my knees with the water hitting my back. I pleaded with God to send someone to help me. Help me break out of this funk, help me to FEEL something spiritual. I need some sort of connection to my Heavenly Father. I feel like I've been grasping at spiritual straws for months. It was on the bathtub floor that the thought occurred to me like a bolt of lightning. Girl, if you want help, you had better help yourself. No one can make you happy except for you. So get your butt up and do something for someone else.
I realized that for the past few months I have been completely focused on me. My prayers have been about my health and about my well being. What happened to the five people that I usually pray for and have in my mind to give service to? What happened to my prayers being about "please give me the opportunity to help someone in need, to touch someone's life"? I resolved then and there that if I wanted to feel better about myself that I needed to not focus so much on me.
This revelation doesn't make my illness go away. I'm not going to be the perfect housewife any time soon. I still have many doctors appointments in the near future to try and figure this out. But spiritually, this is what will heal my soul. This is what will give me back the connection I feel like I have been lacking.
And of course, God is always present. My prayer was answered swiftly. Today I went to visit a girl who is having some troubles in her life. I listened to her. And then a voice whispered in my ear. It told me what to say to comfort her. It was nothing I would have thought up on my own. I connected spiritually by helping another in need. It was so obvious, so blatantly an answer to my prayer. And such a quick, reassuring, and peaceful feeling that I am never alone.
I writing this because I feel like I may need to reread this a few times in the upcoming months.
Brittany, you are not alone and God is just waiting for you to take his hand.