Why I'm A Doula

It's been a while since I've written in this blog. I guess you could say that I've had a lot going on... 

Last May, the 20th in 2014 to be specific I had surgery to remove a brain tumor. I haven't written about it yet, but the story has evolved into what will be a major emotional drop and I still need a little time to get ready for that.

In the mean time, I've definitely begun to do things I've always wanted to do. Not exactly a bucket list, more of "seizing the day". My husband and I were going over together our 5, 10, and 20 year goals. I sat and thought about who I would like to be 5 years from now and also much further into the future. As far as life dreams go, the thing that has always called to me in the strongest way is to be a mother. I wanted to have my own children, build a home, have a family that was safe and warm and a harbor in the storm. And I'm very happy to say that I do have that. But my call to be a mother still pulls. Not just a mother to my children, but a mother to those without. I'm not talking about adopting children. I'm talking more about when someone has needs, usually emotional and doesn't have someone to reassure them, to take them under their wing, to be a mother to them.

Its strange, because I seem to have quite a few friends that don't necessarily have mothers. I certainly don't take the place of that, but I do try to offer nurturing support whenever I can. This has led me into the sacred place where a mother is born; the labor and delivery room. I have found myself helping women in a non-clinical way while in labor. I reassure them that it's a natural process that their bodies are more than capable of. I breathe and rock with them. I give them the feeling of safety that they will not be alone in this. I go to a safe place with them and ride the waves that come with them. I can empathize since I have been through this amazing experience as well. I give coaching and loving and support. And when these women are finally holding their beautiful baby and relaxed we talk about breastfeeding and what an amazing thing they have done.

I LOVE THIS.

Labor has always been my favorite part of having a baby. And I love being able to bring calm to a room that has anxiety. I love being able to help someone when they no one else to help them. I had entertained the thought of becoming a doula, but had never followed through with the formal training because of my health, or the kids, or money. But after this conversation of who I wanted to be, I felt it was time to do something about it. I don't want to look back and think about the opportunity I had missed. I know that I would regret it if I didn't do something about it. I made plans to save my braiding money and attend the workshops in the Spring. About this same time our good friends were over and talking about the baby they were expecting. I told her my news and she asked if I would be willing to come and attend her birth. I was elated! And then I began to get nervous. In my previous experiences it had just come naturally without expectations. I really wanted to make sure that I did the very best job that I could for our friends. So I decided to push up the workshop date. I took the plunge. I attended the three day workshop in Reno. It was AMAZING! I found that so much of what they were teaching I already did. That really gave the validation that I was good at this and it is a life calling. I also learned SO much. I came home ready to formally be called a doula. 

I'm reading, and reading, and reading. I really want to do my very best for the women that I am able to help. I feel so honored to be able to be a part of such a sacred experience. I really can't wait for in five or ten years to be able to look back on my life and feel accomplished. Feel like I have done something not just for my family, but for myself, and for the people that need a little extra mothering too.

Baby Catch Up Part 3: Attachment What?

So there isn't a book on how to be a good parent. Wait, no, there are a million books, but I don't read any of them. By the time Ember came along I felt like I had found my groove. I've found what does and doesn't work for our family. What I like to do is this:

I nurse my baby. I haven't been as successful with this in the past. So basically, with Ember being my last baby I will die in the process of trying before giving up nursing before 12 months. If we can, I would like to nurse until she's 2. But anything after 12 months I'm okay with. 

This causes a variety of different symptoms. Symptom #1: Emberly won't take a bottle. I hate bottles. I hate the washing, the prep, the whole thing, mostly because I'm lazy. But when I'm needy for just some adult time, this presents the problem of how does the caretaker feed the baby? This has resulted in my not leaving said baby for longer than 4 hours in nearly a year. 

Symptom #2: Emberly sleeps with me at night. Contrary to what people think, this gives everyone more sleep. No waking up to the baby, she nurses on and off throughout the night without any of us ever fully waking. Of course, this also means that I've been sharing my bed with a stomach kicker for the last 10 months. Oh, how I yearn for the fetal position!

Symptom #3: Baby isn't on a strict schedule. Baby eats when she's hungry and sleeps when she's tired. Luckily, she's my only child, so this isn't a problem....

This is where the wonder of wonders comes in: THE BABY CARRIER!

Why did I not have this with my last three children?? The Ergo, or wrap, whichever I choose is amazing! Remember the witching hours between 4 and 7? Gone. Wearing baby allows me to nurse while grocery shopping, prepare dinner and clean the house with happy baby not trying to kill herself, and sleep at anytime she wants, all while be close to mommy. These things are amazing and actually let me do all this super needy stuff for my baby while still taking care of the other three kids and my house and and and...

So a funny thing happened. I thought I was just kinda crazy wanting to raise my baby this way. It seems hard, but it makes me happy and my baby seems REALLY happy. And then I stumbled across a group called Attachment Parenting. It turns out I do just about everything this group does! Without reading a single book or blog or anything I just kinda found my way naturally to this. Here I thought I was making my own way only to find the path well trodden.

So that's me. Crunchy mom, who'd have seen that coming? I'm a breastfeeding, cloth diapering, baby wearing, co-sleeping hippy and proud of it.

Baby Catch Up Part 2: Oh Diaper, How Do I Love Thee!

Yes, I will admit it. I obsess over cloth diapers. I love them! Why can't I go back to my 20 year old self and give her the insight I have now? If I would have known how easy, how wonderful, how fun cloth diapering is I would have done it with all my kids. Behold, the amazing diaper!

This picture makes me laugh! These amazing diapers fit from 8-35 pounds. No pins, no covers. These are one piece. The outside is PUL (polyurethane laminate), the inside is soft, cushy fleece. There is a pocket which holds a micro fiber insert. After they have soiled they go into the diaper pail. I have a special detergent that I use. A Happy Green Life. It's gentle and doesn't cause build up in the diapers. I do a short wash, a regular wash with the detergent and then an extra rinse then hang them to dry or do a light tumble with with wool dryer balls. This is the first of my babies to not experience diaper rash. I have no stinky diapers filling up my trash can each week and did I mention that I'm saving A TON of money???

I can't say enough good things about these, so I'll just post more cute pictures of my kid's fluffy butt.

 These are known as "woolies". They are used as a cover for diapers without PUL.

 A swim diaper. No nasty chemicals, just a diaper without the insert.

 Kickin' it old school

 This isn't what I normally use, but it's an example of the "new" diaper pin. It's called a snappi. Works kinda like an ace bandage fastener. Much safer for all involved.

 Did I mention all the cute colors? Pink fluff all the way!

Last, but not least... who can resist this baby chub?

Yep, I'm obsessed, and I love it! I'll probably cry the day she potty trains!

Baby Catch Up Part 1: The Birth

Has it really been this long? I guess this is what happens when you have baby number four. What an amazing experience this last year has been! I really can't imagine life before our little Emberly Rose. Here's a little snapshot of our sweet baby.

The Birth

I had been in "early labor" for about a month. Contractions that kept me up and feeling like the baby was getting ready to come. I would have put up with it for longer, but on May 15th I started feeling strange. I went in to the hospital and my blood pressure was through the roof. Because of that they ended up keeping me. And so the waiting began. The admitted me because they couldn't let me go with my blood pressure so high, but I still wasn't kicking into active labor.

By the next morning I was still only at a 3 and still not progressing. I asked the midwife if I couldn't just go home and they said that no, I had to stay because of my blood pressure. And this is when I began to start feeling bad. I wish that I had had a doula or someone with me that could have banished these feelings. I thought that because I had a midwife rather than a doctor that I would be "safe" from being pushed into medications, but that wasn't true. I began to feel like I had to hurry up and have my baby because by just sitting there I was wasting everyone's time. I was using up a birthing room and I felt like all the staff had this expectation that I should be doing something besides just sitting there and walking the halls. So I gave in and acquiesced to pictocin. I was on that all day of the 16th and all night. The morning of the 17th I was hardly at a four. They finally took me off of the pictocin, but it was pumping through me. I began to think, "If I don't have this baby soon, they are going to tell me that there is a problem. They are going to give me more medications and then eventually c-section." This probably wasn't all the way true, but I was totally freaking out at this point. Again, if I had had a doula there to help ease my fears I wouldn't have been in such a hurry.

By 2pm I allowed them to break my water, even though I was only at a 4.5 and my baby at a -2. I told them they had about 45 minutes and my baby would be here. They laughed and said that they would check on me in 2 hours. The second that midwife left the room the real contractions started. I delivered the baby at 3:15, not quite an hour from when she had left. I managed the pain on my own in a way that I was happy with, with exception of the last 5 minutes. The fact was, I had so much pictocin in my system that my baby just came to fast. The pain was so intense that there was a moment when I felt that I might not actually make it. Thankfully, that was a fast 5 minutes and the baby came safely out. She was all wrapped up in the cord, and we believe that was the reason that she had been taking so long to descend on her own.

Parts of me wish that I could go back and redo the birth the way that I wanted it done. But I can't. She arrived the way she did and I don't love her any less for it. I wish that I could have had the natural birth that I wanted, but it what it is and I'm still happy about the job that I did. Labor does a strange thing to women. We feel like it should be a certain way and feel badly when it doesn't go the way we envision. I'm not about to fall into that trap. Emberly Rose arrived on May 17th, 2013 at 3:15pm. 8lbs and 6oz, 20" long and she is wonderful!

Joy

Last night I was able to witness a baptism. The fourth one in three weeks! The couple last night didn't have any family or friends there. Bobby was baptizing them and they asked he and I to sit up front with them. All the baptisms I have witnessed this last month have been special, and maybe it was different because I was sitting so far up, but I felt something really amazing.

I don't know these people particularly well. In fact they showed up at church about three or four weeks ago saying that they had visited Temple Square in Salt Lake City and felt the Spirit very strongly and wanted to know where they could get baptized. I was unsure of how deep their commitment went, I admit that I can tend to be a bit hesitant in believing that someone could commit to a religion so easily. Didn't they realize that it's not exactly easy being Mormon? However, over the last few weeks I had befriended them and they seems like genuine, very nice people.

My husband was in the water and the gentleman stepped in beside him. They moved into position and that's when I saw the look on this man's face. Complete joy. A spirit radiated out of him that was so strong I could practically see it. All at once I knew without a doubt that this man had a testimony of Jesus Christ. He went under the water and my eyes filled with tears. All hesitation I had about these people completely disappeared. They had found truth and recognized it immediately. Who was I to doubt them for acting so quickly. I'm so thankful to have been able to witness that special moment. It strengthened my own spirit and gave me further testimony that Jesus Christ knows each and every one of us. There is so much wickedness in this world today, but there is a balance of righteousness. By following Jesus Christ we can have faith to know that there is SO much good in this world and there are people out there just aching to find it. 

Again, I'm so thankful to have witnessed these people's faith. If you feel it and believe it, then do it.

Like Sis. Dibb said:

I know it,

I live it,

I love it!

Ellis, The Story Teller

You should ask Ellis sometime about her ninja sister, or about the magic bird from another world with beautiful wings. Be sure to ask Ellis about Monkey Father and about the black bird that was sad. And if you are really looking for a good story, just come over for dinner. Most nights when we are seated around the table ready to eat Ellis will begin to tell a story. I don't know where she comes up these, but they are really, really good. It might be about our lizard that falls into faerie world or about a boy whose parents died and finds new ones. But whatever she comes up with, you're in for a treat. I love this girl!

Hello There, Bolt of Lightning

The past few months have been a real struggle for me. I started having problems with vertigo in July and it seems to have just taken over my entire life. Most of the time I don't feel good and when the vertigo finally passes, I'm exhausted. I haven't canned, I haven't made pies, I haven't sewed, I haven't cleaned out cupboards, I haven't made Christmas cookies, I haven't done it seems like much of anything. I show up to events not really wanting to talk to people and just waiting for the moment that I can go home and lay down.

Last night my husband asked me how I can play solitaire on my phone for hours on end. I told him that I was pretty sure that I'm depressed. Why? Because I don't feel good and I don't do anything that helps me or anyone else. I basically feel like a big lump of blah.

I decided to take a shower and in the tub fell to my knees with the water hitting my back. I pleaded with God to send someone to help me. Help me break out of this funk, help me to FEEL something spiritual. I need some sort of connection to my Heavenly Father. I feel like I've been grasping at spiritual straws for months. It was on the bathtub floor that the thought occurred to me like a bolt of lightning. Girl, if you want help, you had better help yourself. No one can make you happy except for you. So get your butt up and do something for someone else.

I realized that for the past few months I have been completely focused on me. My prayers have been about my health and about my well being. What happened to the five people that I usually pray for and have in my mind to give service to? What happened to my prayers being about "please give me the opportunity to help someone in need, to touch someone's life"? I resolved then and there that if I wanted to feel better about myself that I needed to not focus so much on me.

This revelation doesn't make my illness go away. I'm not going to be the perfect housewife any time soon. I still have many doctors appointments in the near future to try and figure this out. But spiritually, this is what will heal my soul. This is what will give me back the connection I feel like I have been lacking.

And of course, God is always present. My prayer was answered swiftly. Today I went to visit a girl who is having some troubles in her life. I listened to her. And then a voice whispered in my ear. It told me what to say to comfort her. It was nothing I would have thought up on my own. I connected spiritually by helping another in need. It was so obvious, so blatantly an answer to my prayer. And such a quick, reassuring, and peaceful feeling that I am never alone.

I writing this because I feel like I may need to reread this a few times in the upcoming months.

Brittany, you are not alone and God is just waiting for you to take his hand. 

I'm Amazing

Typically I have a feeling of inadequacy. There are just so many areas in my life that I need to work on to become a better wife, mom, daughter, sister, friend, volunteer, etc, etc. This is a quick description of one area of my life I am now working one. 

One of the things I've sworn to better with lately is to not complain about this pregnancy. In my first two pregnancies I was sicker than sick and really at some points thought I was going to die. By the time I was pregnant with Ellis I was so sick of hearing myself complain that I was determined to not make a peep about anything I felt concerning the pregnancy. I feared someone might bury me if they had to live with me being such a whiner again.

 It turned out that I actually felt pretty awesome throughout the whole time Ellis was in my belly and really didn't end up even needing to complain about anything. However, the damage had already been done. I was labeled as being an absolute monster while pregnant. So now here is pregnancy number four I have already been enduring the whole, "uh oh, hope you survive" comments. But I am determined once again, not to complain. (About the pregnancy anyway. Vertigo is a whole other issue and I will complain as much as I want. It's horrible.) And besides talking about being tired, I think I've done a fairly good job, but it's not enough. I am determined to not puke. (If you have a weak stomach this would be a good time to stop reading.) With my two boys I threw up so much that I deteriorated the lining in my stomach and esophagus. I know that I got sick with Ellis, but it was nothing like the boys. Totally livable. I'd drive down the street, pull over, puke. No biggie.

So of course, one of the only side effects I've felt throughout this pregnancy has been a weak stomach. A messy sneeze from one of my little ones or really just a sniff from them will send my stomach roiling. But I'm not going to let it get to me! We all know that being a mom has to be one of the most disgusting jobs in the world. We see and clean up things that are hardly imaginable. That doesn't stop when we are pregnant. Today I was met with the real challenge. A clogged toilet.

I knew I had to unclog it. I knew I was the only one that could do it. I seem to have a magic touch (lucky me)with the plunger. I walked into the bathroom and the smell was overwhelming. To spare you the gory details, this is what I had to end up doing. Stand with my head turned and my face in a towel while I plunged. I could only use sound as an indicator to any progress being made. I tried looking twice and each time nearly ended my non puking streak. But I gained control each time, plunged away and soon heard the wonderful sound of water going down the drain!

I didn't whine and complain that I couldn't do it. I didn't puke. For this moment in time I didn't feel inadequate. I was super mom and I was awesome.

Babies, Pallygoats, and My Monkey Father

I'm horrible at keeping a journal and blogging. However, this must be written. When my children are grown and their childhoods run together in my mind, these are a few things I would like to remember.

The Babies

Rowan and Ellis have a nursery of baby dolls. Each and everyone has a name. They started as names of babies they already know. Baby Samuel, Baby Levi (these were friends we know), Baby JoJo (after my cousin's daughter Josephine), Baby Claire (one of their cousins). Then once they ran out of names they began with these interesting ones. Baby Little, Baby Applesauce, and Baby Edo. Each baby has it's own personality. For instance, for a while if Baby Levi had his binky out he would throw up. The only way to stop him was to put his binky back into his mouth. Baby Applesauce likes to help with chores and direct what needs to be picked up next.

The kids love to put the babies in the strollers and race them up and down the hallway and crash them at the end. The babies are continually abused, thrown into the air, hung from the fan, crashed into the walls. But at in the car or bed time the babies are loved and cuddled with unwavering affection. We can always tell when the babies are being played with. It's when the kids are the loudest. I love seeing both my daughter and my son use these toys for such great imaginative play. I'll be truly sad when they grow out of them.

Pallygoats

My children have their own language. They create words and use them as though they were a normal part of everyone's vocabulary. For instance, one day my children were talking to me about how they don't like pallygoats because they hurt their teeth. It took me weeks of continually hearing this word before I finally realized that pallygoats are popcorn kernels. I don't know where this word came from, but they have continued to use it for about the last 8 months. Too funny.

My Monkey Father

One day I found Ellis in her room laying on her bed looking at a book. It was one of those choose your own adventure books. On the cover was a picture of a yeti. As I walked in the room Ellis put the book down and looked up at me with a serious expression. Showing me the picture on the cover, she said, "This is my monkey father." "What??" I replied. She then proceeded to tell me about how before she lived with me she lived with her monkey father, but he had been killed and that's how she came to live with me.... Okay.

Now and then she will bring up her monkey father and talk about what a wonderful life she had before she was forced to come and live with us. Once on a kayak, she pointed up to a house on the edge of the lake, "That's where my monkey father lived."

It's absolutely hilarious how she creates these very real stories and continues to expand them as time goes on. I love hearing about monkey father!

Counting Lightning to Thunder

Yesterday we had a big Spring storm. We had a little girl over and when she heard the lightning she got scared. I brought her and Ellis into the kitchen and asked them if they wanted to see something really cool. I sat them on the kitchen counter with their feet in the sink so that they could see out the window. I said, "This is how nature works. The earth needs water and this is how it gets it." The sat there for about 45 mins eating M&M's and watching the rain and hail. I had them count the seconds between the lightning and the thunder so they could tell how far away the storm was. They had so much fun that they forgot to be scared! The storm came closer and closer and then finally further and further away. After the storm was over they talked about how fun it was to watch it all from the window. They are so sweet. I hope I always remember the picture I have in my head of those little ones watching out the window.

Oh Christmas Tree

Every year I think that our tree turns out so pretty! This year I thought I would take a few pictures of our favourite ornaments. I still haven't figured out why blogspot turns pictures taken with a Cannon camera, so bear with the horizontal photos. :)

 This year we got a Scotch Pine. The branches are bare except for the ends, so you hang most of the ornaments in the tree.

 Glass ornaments are our favourites! This snowman seems so jolly and I love seeing him each year!

 Last year our tree fell over and we broke about half of our ornaments. This Santa is a new addition this year.

 I picked up this cute trolley car in San Francisco in Bloomingdale's on Black Friday a few years ago.

 I love this little reindeer. The snow in the bottom of the ornament moves around.

 Most of our ornaments seem to be Santas. Perhaps it's the red and white we like. There are so many depictions!

 I love the feathers on the mittens.

 This ornament used to hang on my Grandma Burdette's tree. Before LED lights you would put one of the tree lights under the ornament and the heat would make the fan turn. This is a very special ornament.

 Chandler made this in kindergarten. I love seeing him so tiny!

This year my sisters and I started a new tradition of sending each other ornaments to hang on our tree that remind us of each other. This is what I got this year for us. However, I forgot to send it on time! So dear sisters, this is what you will be getting in the mail in the next few weeks!

Merry Christmas!

Stuffing vs. Dressing

Today I was sitting at my mom's table shredding ten loaves of bread to prepare, what I like to call stuffing, for Thanksgiving tomorrow. I was led to remember all the times I had seen my mother and my grandmother sitting in the same kitchen doing the same thing. I'm not sure where my grandma got her recipe from, but it's amazing. It will always be my favourite recipe for this particular dish. She never wrote the recipe down. My mother learned it from watching her and I learned it from watching my mother. I remember the first year that my grandma died and my mother and I frantically tried to remember how exactly to make what my grandmother called "dressing". I'm sure over the years my mom and I have developed our recipe, but every time I make it I will always think of my dear grandma and how much I love her and everything she passed down to us.

The Smuggies

Today I took my children to a music lesson. We sang and hit sticks together and had a merry old time. One mother was breast feeding while we sang. "That's right!" I thought. "I can roll with the new wave hippie moms." I stay at home with my kids, we sing, we breastfeed in broad day light and we have a good time doing it! After the class Teacher Beth, who sported a yellow kerchief in her hair; a sure sign of the modern hippie mom, overheard me telling Ellis that we needed to get home so I could start sewing. She asked what I was sewing and I excitedly told her that I was sewing my daughter's Halloween costume. Ellis looked at her and said, "I'm going to be Princess Peach!" That's when I saw it. The smile and nod... "How nice." I couldn't help but to laugh. I could tell right there that she didn't approve. Rowan chimed in that he was going to be Luigi. I could feel her trying not to judge me, but she couldn't help it. After all, I'm breaking a cardinal rule of the new wave hippie mom. I let my kids watch T.V. and play video games! (gasp!)

Teacher Beth then explained how her daughter is going to be a Native American for Halloween. She's going to have braids and a head band and feathers coming out of her hair from their chickens! She sewed her costume last year too, she had been Laura Ingalls! Thank goodness I knew who that was. I would have loved to have told her that my children were also literary characters two years ago too. Ellis was Alice and Rowan was the Jabberwocky, but I could see "the smuggies" behind her eyes and I didn't want to spoil it for her. She really is a sweet lady and was very kind to us, but it made her feel good that she wasn't subjecting her children to the horrible things that I do. I could have really made her day and let her know that for snack today we were going to have fruit roll ups, they have high fructose corn syrup.

I try to be a good mom. We stay away from sugar for weeks at a time before we lapse back into lazy snacks. I  am my kids' preschool teacher and take them on plenty of outings. I take my kids to church every Sunday and try to teach them to be good people. We raise chickens and eat their eggs. We try to plant a garden every summer. I can fruit and make pies and make dinners from scratch. I'm well on the road to the new wave hippie mom that I would love to be. But, there are some things that I'm just not willing to give up and so I'll never be fully initiated into the club. And I'm okay with that. I have my own kind of joy that I get from watching other people delight in how much better they are than me!

7 Year Itch?

    As of September 11th, Bobby and I have been married for 7 years. It feels like much longer, maybe because we dated for 3 years before we got married. It's been a wonderful 7 years and we were able to go away together this weekend and reflect on them together. Typically, the saying goes that every 7 years you yearn for some change in your life, but as we looked back we've had nothing but change! We decided that at this point now, we couldn't be happier! I feel like we have changed a lot in the last decade, and for the better. How nice that we could grow together as a couple and as a family. After this weekend, it was very clear to me how lucky I am and how much each of us have grown. Let me tell you a little about it.
    Saturday, the 10th was very busy. We had soccer in the first part of the day, and then I helped at a wedding in the late afternoon and evening. By the time I got home later that night, my hips were VERY sore. But I didn't want to complain to Bobby about it. We got up early on Sunday and I was already feeling emotional. I usually try to glaze over September 11th, try to focus on my anniversary, but this day was hard. I kept welling with tears. Chandler and I were both to speak in church and although I was excited, I was a little nervous too. Chandler spoke first and he was so amazing. I really cannot think of a prouder "mommy moment"! He wrote his own talk, and then spoke slowly and clearly. I ended up being very pleased with how I did with my talk, I was glad that I had practiced so much before hand, and I didn't even cry. Then Bobby and I ran home and packed bags for the children and for ourselves. I was feeling pretty emotional because I must have been more worried about the job on Saturday night and the talk Sunday morning more than I had thought. Now that those things were over I was ready for an emotional release, but instead I needed to focus on packing (fast) and sending the kids off for the next 3 days without tears. So I needed to hold it all in.
    We were finally on the road and I was worried about getting there on time because we had massages scheduled at 4. We would probably arrive around 3:30, I didn't want to be late. About an hour into our drive we got a phone call for our wonderful friend who was watching our children, she told us that we had not put the children's luggage in her car! I couldn't believe it! We had been so hurried and so worried about the kids being comfortable, that we completely forgot to move the bag! I felt my mood begin to take a rapid downward turn, but told myself that being upset about it wouldn't solve anything. I was determined to be in a good mood and not let "the natural man" take a hold of me!
    As we entered into the Sonora area my earlobes began to get a funny itching sensation, as we moved further towards Twain Heart and further up in elevation I began to feel the sensation moving to my cheeks as well. We arrived at our bed and breakfast just at 3:30, our room wasn't ready and we would have to wait. Although I was feeling uncomfortable and just wanted to relax, I assured them that we were fine sitting in the front room to read until it was ready. By the time we got to our room about 15 minutes later, my palms were itching and my whole face and neck were totally red. It was 4 o'clock and the massage therapists were not there. Our appointment must have been sent for 4:30 we thought. Our hostess provided me with an allergy pill and I knocked out on the bed. Waking up 45 minutes later extremely groggy, I realized that it was 5:15 and there was still no sign of the therapists. We called up front to find out that there had been some sort of mix up and the hostess was frantically on the phone trying to find people that would come in on short notice. Again, not her fault, no reason to be upset, right? At 6 o'clock we were fortunate enough to have 2 massage therapists arrive, or so we thought....
    Now maybe it's that Bobby and I are ruined. A few years back we had the most amazing massages EVER! So now, of course, everyone else is compared to these others. But in this case, I really think it just wasn't that great. For starters, whenever I have ever had a massage there is usually gentle, relaxing music playing. These two must have had a very different idea of what type of music should be played. I was laying down on my stomach with my face in that circle thing with my eyes wide open, thinking, "What the heck????" First it was like these romantic love songs, which I'm sorry, are just creepy when some stranger has their hands on you. It then moved to this like... new age world music? Imagine energetic, almost techno music with a man yodeling/singing over the top of it. It reminded me of some sort of thing I would hear in a  yurt full of hippies trying to find their inner energy or something. It was totally ridiculous for a massage and totally weird. Not to mention that I think I was being massaged by Darth Vader. This guy was breathing so hard through his nose, at first I thought he was wearing a mask or something because it was so loud! The massage was terrible and I really just couldn't wait to get off the table. By 8 o'clock I was starving and we left for dinner.
    It really took all my mental muscles to stave off the crankies by this point. We ate at an Italian restaurant with fantastic service, great atmosphere and horrible food. Thank goodness that Bobby had me laughing so hard at the table over our terrible massages that it didn't bother me too much. Unfortunately, it bothered my stomach and I felt sick the rest of the night.
    The next morning, Bobby and I left for Yosemite. My hips were still very sore and my lower back was stiff after the terrible massage the day before. I didn't want to complain to Bobby. I knew that he wanted to take a little day hike and I wanted to be accommodating. It was a beautiful day and Yosemite was PACKED! There were a million people there. I hadn't been able to find my shoes before we had left in such a rush and had only packed my Converse. I like them for when I need to wear them for short periods of time, but not for when we need to do a lot of walking. It was nearly lunch time and we didn't have any food with us, but I assured Bobby that I could do a quick 3 mile hike with him and then we could go to lunch. When we got near to where we were hiking we saw that the road was closed and that we needed to hike an extra .6 miles. No problem, just smile. We began our walk. I was fine when it was flat, but then we began our incline. My hips began to hurt immediately. Bobby started talking about how excited he was to do the John Muir Trail in two years and I snapped! I want to take that hike with him so badly and it was apparent that I was probably not going to be able to even finish this little one. My hips were screaming and my pride was hurt. I have an injury that most likely will never get all the way better. I took all the frustrations and emotions from the past 2 days and pushed them all into this. Then I let loose on my poor confused husband. When he tried to talk to me I told him that we weren't having a conversation in front of the bajillion people around us. Instead of getting angry, he asked me what I wanted to do. When I couldn't give him an answer he told me that he didn't feel like walking after all and led me back to the car. When we got to the car I finally explained how badly my body was hurting and how hard it was for me to admit that I couldn't do the things I used to do. He let me cry it all out. I told him how sorry I was that I had ruined our day. He said that I hadn't ruined the day at all and that we could still enjoy the park in so many ways. What should we do first?
    I sat there in that car and thought about a few things. 1. How selfish I was being. 2. How wonderful my husband is. 3. How this conversation might have gone 5 years ago. Let me tell you something I've learned about marriage. You make your own happiness. Even though the day before had been crazy, I still had a great time just being with Bobby, because I had decided to. Had I been totally honest with Bobby on that morning I wouldn't have put myself in a situation where it was harder for me to keep my control. I saw what I had done wrong, admitted it and asked for forgiveness, and then MOVED ON! We had a wonderful rest of the day. We enjoyed each other's company and had a great dinner. Bobby was so understanding and just so happy the whole weekend. He went through a lot of the same things I did and didn't get upset. I didn't need to either. We decide to be cranky, or we decide to be happy. We are at a point in our marriage that we decide to be happy together no matter what we come up against, even if it's each other! I'm so thankful that we have learned these lessons together and I look forward to another year of happiness.

Chandler and Ice Cream

Last night Chandler had his first school dance. I know, he's only 12, but he's in Leadership at school and they plan all the dances. I think it's nice for him to be able to go to the things he works so hard on, besides that, it's not like he's going to go anywhere near a girl!

Anyway... I was surprised last night when I asked him which of his friends were going and he said none. I said, "Oh really? Who are you going to hang out with?" He said he didn't know but that he was sure someone would be there. I thought that it was so cool that he wasn't going to give up having a good time just because his friends weren't going! I always worry about him "following the pack", but clearly he does what he wants to do. (Let's hope he continues to want to do good things!)

I dropped him off at the school at 6, but instead of driving back at 8:30 I decided to walk down to the school to get him. I met him out front and we went to Foster's Freeze. We sat outside, ate ice cream and talked for an hour! It was so wonderful! He told me all about the dance and how much fun he had. He said that he was actually kind of glad that none of his friends were there because it gave him the opportunity to get to know some other people a little better. He loves his friends, it was just fun to hang out with other people sometimes.

I had asked him before the school year started if he would make a promise to talk to me. If he would talk, I would listen. It was so great last night to see that actually happening. We walked home and I thought about how easy it would have been for me to have just taken the car to pick him up. The trip would have lasted 2 minutes and we probably would have only chatted for a second. But because I took the time, not only did I get some good exercise, but some real quality time with my son. I am always so worried about him becoming a teenager and being impossible to talk to, but I'm hoping that if I continue to keep the lines of communication open and I keep taking the time to allow him to talk that we may survive those years after all. I know it will be difficult, but last night gave me a big glimmer of hope. :)

Summer Time

It's been a while since I've posted, but it's because we've been busy squeezing out every last drop of summer. :) 

Summer is a time for our family to be busy with simple pleasures. Sitting on a warm sidewalk at night trying to find Scorpio and his heart, Antares; eating home made ice cream with black berries, baking pies and making jam, canning peaches and green beans, finding yet another recipe for eggplant and zucchini, camping and boating, roasting marshmallows, riding on the knee board, swimming in the lake, going to the State Fair, and lazing around the house.

I've been heard to say things like, "People are coming over, put clothes on!" or "We aren't having ice cream for breakfast again!" Things are relaxed, easy going, and peaceful. It all goes by too quickly. However, by the time August rolls around we are ready to be back to a routine. We miss the easy going time of summer but feel well rested and ready for the school year.

This year Chandler is in 7th grade! I can't believe how the time has flown. Rowan and Ellis will be in "Mommy School". I've been busy this week cleaning out the playroom and getting it set up for school. I am optimistic that we will have a good time doing preschool at home. After all, it's my last year home all day with my little ones.

Soccer has also started and Chandler is playing really well. He seems to be on a good team and has a lot of friends he knows this year. Rowan also started soccer and loves the running. Ellis is very upset that she doesn't get to play, but luckily for her, Rowan's coach lets her practice with the team. It's been a great summer!

The Chick Experiment

Only one of our 8 eggs ended up hatching. I gave it until Monday morning, a full 5 more days, until I knew I had to make a change of plans! The kids and I went to the feed store and I purchased 3 of the youngest chicks I could find and brought them home. It was still pretty early in the day and Buttercup, as usual, was still trying to hatch her clutch. I reached under and took all her eggs and then one by one took each baby chick and placed it under her. I was so nervous. I wasn't sure what she would do with these new chicks.

 I stayed for about 30 minutes just observing her. The first time she saw each chick she would squwak and peck at it! The chick would run back under her to hide. I went inside for about 2 hours and then came to check on her again. Now we accepting of two of the chicks, but every time she saw the golden sexlink she would still peck at it. I wasn't sure if I was going to have to take that chick out, but I decided to give it a bit more time. By the end of the day Buttercup seemed much more at ease.

Today is Friday and she has had the chicks for 5 days now. All of the chicks are accepted and so cute. You can see Buttercup teaching them how scratch for food. She is up and moving around much more now. I feel like this way of "breaking her broody" was so much more fun than suspending her in a cage! It's really been such a learning process, but very rewarding. I never knew how much I enjoyed raising animals! I think I will let her raise them to about 6 weeks and then let my friend begin her own coop with the young ones. :)

Mottled Houdan and Golden Sexlink

Buttercup teaching her chicks how to scratch.

White Sultan and the chick Buttercup hatched. It's a mixed breed.

New Life!

23 days ago I put 8 fertilized eggs under Buttercup to help break her broodiness. Today one of the eggs hatched! They were supposed to hatch on day 21, but I decided to give it a few days just in case. This afternoon I went out to check and sure enough, there was a little chick under her mama! I was worried for the chick's safety in the big coop, so I fashioned a brooder for mommy and baby. I'm not sure if any more of the eggs will hatch, but I'll give it another 16 hours or so and see what happens. Here are some pictures I took of the brooder I made. It should keep the chicks in, but let mom out to go and forage for food as she needs it. I only hope that she will protect her chicks from predators, they are very exposed here. I may put the fire screen over the top at night, but we'll see. I'll talk to the feed store when I pick up some chick starter and see what they say.

 This is the brooder I used when we first got the chickens. I put a milk crate in the end with a towel over it so that Buttercup could feel like she's in a protected place.

 I wasn't sure if she would use it, but I put her eggs in the crate, then set her in the brooder and she went right over to them! She is such a good mommy!

Here is a glimpse of the new chick peeking his head out from under his mommy. I say "he" because I already suspect he's a rooster, but we won't know for sure for a few more weeks.

Our new baby chick! I'm so excited at my hen's first hatching!

4am

It's 4am and I'm awake again for the second morning in a row. My mind just won't turn off. I dream about yesterday when I put soap on my grandpa's finger to work his ring off. I think of his hands, still warm, and how they won't hold mine anymore. My grandpa was my hero, the kindest, most gentle man I've ever known. I'll miss his jokes, I'll miss his black converse and his Alaska belt buckle. I'll miss the way he always took time for us grandkids when we came to visit. I'll miss the way he answered the phone. Even though I knew this day was coming, I couldn't ever be ready. I'm hoping that at some point I'll cry and let all this emotion out. His funeral will be in 5 days, maybe then. I guess part of me isn't quite ready to accept that he's gone and the crying might make that fact real. I'm not sure how to end my thoughts...I loved my grandpa...

My knight in shining underpants!

Rowan is such an enjoyable child! One of his most endearing qualities is his imagination. At the present time he is obsessed with The Lord of the Rings. We have the old cartoons that he likes to watch. This is a picture of him charging around the kitchen chasing after Nazguls! 

Again, I'm not sure why the photos are being turned on their sides.. If anyone has any suggestions to this problem, I'd be glad to listen!